Dear Journal
by AnnaleseVonRieges
Summary: Lovino is tired of the fact that he's always ignored, disregarded. So when the depressed Nation manages to find his long lost Journal, what else did he do but vent? Possible Spamano in the future. This story is taken from my Wattpad account under the name"HeartOfTheRaven" just to make things clear. Rated M for suicide and stuff just to be safe.
1. Prologue

**Hello! This is my first fanfiction here on so please bear with me~! This is also the first story—err.. it's not a story as of yet since it's still like, one journal entry xD- I made in the Hetalia fandom. **

**I do not own Hetalia or any of the characters.**

"Dear Journal,

I know I haven't written for like, months now but.. I just want to vent and I don't have anyone to vent to. It's actually a miracle that I managed to find you, you little piece of- Ah damn. Sorry for that. Since you're the only one that knows my secrets, it's pretty harsh for me to curse you now is it?

Well Journal, I've been.. depressed lately (that's not new, I know) because.. because..

Because every-goddamned-body calls Veneziano "Italy" while they call me Romano. Just.. Romano. Can't they see that it hurts? I'm Italy too! Italia Romano. That's my name. I'm the southern half of Italy.

Why can't the other nations see that it hurts me every single time they call my brother Italy? It hurts so bad that I don't even know what to do anymore.. I just feel so.. so unwanted.. All my life, I've been the second best.. I'm the one that's ignored. Nobody listens to my opinions because I'm just /Romano/.

Romano.

Not Italy.

Just Romano.

And also for the fact that my human name, Lovino, is not helping either. You see, Journal, my name is derived from the word "Rovino" or "Rovinare" which means "to ruin". Awful right? It's like, I was destined to be the bad one. I ruin everything. Every friendship I've ever had. Nobody sticks with me.

Maybe it's time that I should just.. fade away? Nobody needs me. And I'm pretty sure that Feliciano could handle being the sole representative of Italy. That's what he is, isn't he? Italy. Even though we're both halves of Italy, he's the only one acknowledged.

I'm not Italy in everyone's eyes.

I'm not Italy then.. I'm nothing.

Nobody will be sad if I go right? As long as they have their precious little 'Italy.' Hell, they'll probably celebrate if I fade. I can just hear them say "Ha! No more of that worthless, bad-mouth excuse for a half-nation!"

Well, Journal. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. Nobody needs the personification of South Italy. Feliciano will officially be Italy after I'm done.

That's it, Journal. I don't want to be alive anymore.

End.

P.S. Grazie for bearing all those rants of mine."

The Southern Italian closed his Journal and placed it on his bedside table as he walked to the bed. He sat down, his eyes mournful, as he flipped open the pocket knife that was always inside his pocket. He stared at the wickedly sharp blade before using it to slash his scar-filled olive skin.

**So yeah, it's just one journal entry. I'm not even sure if I should make this into a multi-chapter story ._. **

**Please rate and review if you think that I should continue it~ c: **

**-BRP **


	2. Chapter 1 - The Discovery

**Hello there~! AVR here~! **

**You must be wondering why I'm updating this instead of my other fanfic. Well, let's just say that I procrastinated a lot with my Prussia fic and inspiration left me—but enough of that!**

**Since a lot of people wanted me to continue this story, I decided that 'what the heck' and did it. I don't know how often I'll be able to update with school and stuff but.. yeah.**

**Enjoy~!**

**I do not own Hetalia.**

Chapter One:

Discovery

"_Dear Journal,_

_I dreamt of Nonno this morning. He had that huge smile with him again. It was really fun to look at. It really made me happy. I ran to him and tugged at his clothes as I raised my arms up. I wanted him to carry like he always did when I was still a child._

"_Nonno!" I remember my small self say. "Carry me, Nonno! Nonno!" I smiled happily at him as I kept tugging his cloak. Why wasn't he looking at me? _

_Then, I remember him look beyond and grinned. "Veneziano!" I blinked. Veneziano? Who's that? "V-veneziano? Nonno, I'm Romano! Romano, Nonno! Ro-ma-no!" I felt a little bit of panic swell up my chest as I kept on tugging and pulling. _

"_Nonno!" I froze then slowly looked behind me. There, running towards my Nonno outstretched arms, was a little boy, a bit smaller than me, and jumped to enclose him with a tight embrace. "N-nonno?" I whimpered. "Who's.. who's he?" _

_I saw the boy look down at me with those brown orbs of his and I felt my body freeze. "Fratello?" he said with that squeaky voice of his. 'Fratello?' He's my… brother? I felt tears burn from my eyes –whether from happiness or anger, I don't know- and ran. I ran and ran and ran._

_That was the last thing I've remembered from that dream. It hurt, Journal. It really did. I already knew that.. that _Veneziano _was grandpa's favorite._

_That was the first time that I ever felt rejection. I know that he didn't really flat-out reject me but.. Nonno hugged him instead of me, right? That had to mean something._

_I don't know Journal. I don't know what to do after that. I don't have a fucking clue._

_End. _

-o0o-

"It's time to see Lovi~" Antonio, the personification of Spain, grinned happily to himself as he brought a paper bag filled with ripe tomatoes. He knew that the Southern Italian absolutely loved tomatoes so the brunette never failed to bring some his freshly grown babies.

The Spaniard skipped all the way to the Italian's front door. He knocked on the door with his knuckled as he hummed a happy tune. "Roooomaaaaaaa~" he called. He kept knocking and knocking on the wooden door before frowning. His little tomate _never _took this long in answering. If he did, he could always count on the string of curses that accompanied the man. "Roma, I'm coming in." He twisted the knob then entered the house.

Nothing really changed with the interior of the house. Contrary to popular belief, the older of the Italian twins firmly believed in cleanliness when it comes to his living space. Antonio scanned the living room and noted that nothing was out of place -he was always here so he knew where everything went- but still, something was wrong.

The place was quiet, the house felt empty.

Antonio knew that Lovino was capable of silence but it rarely happened. Unless…

Unless something bad happened to his precious tomatito.

Feeling his heart a hundred miles an hour, he raced to the Italian's room at the second floor. "Roma!" he shouted as he rapped his fists on the door. "Roma open up!" He tried kicking it when he was answered by silenced. "O Dios mio Romano!" The Spaniard heaved his weight then propelled his body to the offending door.

The door opened with a violent crash as Antonio cradled his sore shoulder. He immediately scanned the room. It was dark, horrifyingly so. "R-roma?"

Then, he smelled it.

The metallic stench of blood filled his nose as he advanced inside. "Roma? Romano? Lovi?" The older male trembled as he ran his hand across the wall to look for the light switch.

His fingers finally hit something and the lights opened with a soft 'click'. He sighed in relief then turned around—

And froze.

There, slumped at the corner of the room, was the Italian that he desperately searched for. He took a step forward then stopped. "Lovi? Lovino!" Antonio screamed as he lurched towards the frail and still body. Blood. So much blood ebbed through the deep slices at the smaller male's wrist. "Oh Lovi.. What have you done?"


	3. Chapter 2 - Why?

**-gasp- An update just after one day? What is this?**

**Neh I just got really revved up with this fic, ya know? xD**

**Anyway, a crappy yet longer chapter here and it might get a bit confusing since me brain is pretty fogged up from all the work I've done. **

**Enjoy neh? :3**

**I do not own Hetalia.**

**~AVR**

Chapter 2:

Why?

_Dear Journal,_

_Why can't they see that I'm really hurting inside, Journal? Why can't they see that this… this tough exterior of mine is merely a façade? It hurts, Journal. It hurts that they don't even try to bother to learn more about me. Why can't they just spare a few minutes just to know me? Just to know how I truly feel? Is it because of my cursing? Is that it? That's just bullshit, Journal. A lot of those bastards curse as much as I do. I just get more attention since they've already set me as the default when it comes to cursing and _"eccentric and violent" _behavior. _

_Am I really that bad? _

_I just want one friend, goddamnit! One friend that would.. that would stick, you know? No one really stayed with me for a long period of time as far as I could remember. Ever since.._

_Ever since Veneziano came into my life. _

_I don't really hate him, Journal. Don't get me wrong. I fucking love that dimwit. I'm just.. I'm just so fucking jealous of how perfect he it. _

_Every fucking time, he tells me that I'm his most beloved brother but.. Why can't he see that his "beloved big brother" is hurting? _

_I just.. damn._

_I don't want to be here anymore._

_End. _

-o0o-

_Beep. Beep. Beep.._

The steady beat of the heart monitor woke the young Italian from his deep slumber. He tried to sit up but felt that his body was restrained by something. "Ugh.." he groaned as his eyes fluttered open and shut. 'Where the hell am I?'he asked himself.

He took a deep sigh then forced his eyes wide open, revealing a pair of groggy jade orbs. White, he though glumly. All he could see was white so his only conclusion was: hospital. He was at a fucking hospital. Now, the question was _why _was he at a fucking hospital.

Almost immediately, the brunet felt a stinging sensation on both of his wrists then winced. Oh yeah, that's why.

He raised his left arm then stared at the bandaged wrists, a little bit of crimson leaking through the cloth. Tch, perfect. He, Lovino Vargas, was so useless that he couldn't even fucking die properly.

Setting his head back down on his pillow, he tried once more to fall asleep. He was close to succeeding when the door suddenly opened and noise flooded on the once quite room.

"—just can't understand why he did it! He never told me _anything_ and I'm his fratello, ve!"

The Southern Italian groaned inwardly when he heard the whiney voice of his younger brother. '_Get lost, Veneziano,' _he thought with a sigh.

"I never noticed anything, either." It was a deeper and gruffer voice now. _Tch, potato bastard. _The voice sounded a bit puzzled yet worried at the same time though how he managed to combine those, he had absolutely no idea nor did he care.

Lovino felt the edge of his bed dip and he cracked open his right eyelid just to see who the fuck even bothered to lay down in his bed.

"Fratello.." Feliciano sniffled a little as he clutched the pristine white sheets. His usually happy smile was completely wiped out of his face and the rims of his eyes were red and puffy from crying. Lovino felt his stomach clench at the sight. He didn't _want _his brother to be this way especially because of him.

_You bring nothing but pain and misery, _said a tiny voice inside his mind.

Shut up, he said to it. You know nothing of me.

_Oh? _It crooned. _Oh dear Lovi, I know _eeeeeverything _about you! I am you, after all._

His fists tightened into a ball as he tried to fight the thoughts away when the door opened once again.

"How is he?" Oh Dio, Antonio.

His heart began to pound, making the heart monitor beep like there's no tomorrow. He tried to slow it down by breathing more slowly. It worked for a couple of moments til he felt his sheets by the foot of the bed dampen.

"Loviiiiiiiiiiiii!" The Spaniard wailed.

Shut up, bastard.

"Why Lovi, why? Why did you do this Lovi?"

I said shut up, goddammit.

"Loviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-"

"WILL YOU JUST FUCKING SHUT UP?"

The other's were stunned at the Southern Italian's outburst. Lovino, however, was seething.

"I'm fucking incapacitated here and all you do is ruin my fucking sleep. Why don't all of you just open the window and die already? Oh my god." He rubbed his temple with his fingers as he mumbled a few more curse words.

"But Loviiii why did you do this?"

It was the question that was on all of their minds as they stared at the Italian on the bed. They quietly waited for the answer (even Feliciano was quiet) and Lovino shrugged.

"Why should I explain myself to you bastards?"

"Why should you—Fratello! How dare you say that! You tried to kill yourself and leave us and all you can say is 'Why should I explain myself to you'? You have no right to—"

"Shut up, Veneziano."

"—talk to us like that when all of us were obviously worried about you and we—"

"I said shut up."

"—Just don't want you to die—"

"Oh what _you _want, huh?" The older of the siblings glared at Feliciano with a burning hate. "It's always about what you want, right? What about what _I _want? What if I actually want to die?"

"Just listen fratello—"

"Listen? _Listen? _You never listened to me so why the hell should I listen to you?"

He roamed his gaze and met the eyes of everyone present in the room. "Get out," he said coldly.

"But Lovi-"

"I said GET OUT! I DON'T WANT YOU HERE ESPECIALLY YOU ANTONIO!"

The Spaniard was stunned at this. HE did not expect this in the slightest. What did he do wrong? What now? Antonio stared helplessly at his former charge and saw that he really was serious about this. Instead of arguing, the older nation stood up then bit his lip.

"A.. alright Lovi.." He tried to smile a little then left without a word.


	4. Chapter 3 - Brothers

**Ciao everyone~ I'm really sorry that I wasn't able to update for a week. I got swamped with projects and shit. **

**I also apologize since this chapter is really crappy and.. I don't know how to describe it, really. You'll be shocked or at least be indifferent when you reach the end of the chapter. I might be able to post a new chappie tomorrow and the day after that since our classes got suspended and also because of a non-working holiday. It's not a promise, though so yeah.**

**Enjoy neh~**

**I do not own Hetalia or the characters.**

**~AVR**

Chapter 3:

Brothers

_Dear Journal,_

_ I remember the days when I used to spend the whole day with mom. She was really fun, you know? She's really smart too. She had really pretty black hair with these gold things that she always wore. She's like.. a beautiful queen! _

_ Mom had a few other children besides me. I'm one of the youngest, I think. I haven't really met the others before but she said that they're really nice. At least.. nice enough that they won't beat me up and things. _

_ I managed to meet a few of my brothers when I was a couple of years older. They were sort of kind to me. At least, they were better than Veneziano. They didn't make me feel as if I was unwanted unlike my nonno. _

_ What the heck, Journal. Maybe I should spend more time with them, noh? Well, I would if I had the time. Too busy now, I guess. I always do Veneziano's chores and stuff while he paints. _

_ Well, that's all for now, Journal._

_ Ciao, I guess._

_End._

-o0o-

**Lovino's POV (1****st**** person)**

The nurses checked on me again. They kept telling me that I'm going to be okay, that everything will be fine. Do I care? Not really. Why should I? I never really cared. Never really gave much of a fuck. The world pretty much failed me so why should I care about what'll happen? Do they expect me to just get up and say: "I'm okay, bastard!" Tch. No fucking way. I'm reserving my fucks for important matters like, oh I don't know, tomatoes or something.

I tried to sit up but I was too weak to do so. Damn these meds. They're not even helping, for Christ's sake. They just make me all dizzy and shit.

I felt my head flop down my pillow as my vision started to blur. Fucking blood loss. Fucking medications. Fucking hospitals. Fucking _everything!_ I pressed my hands to my eyes when I felt something warm touch my skin.

Tears.

Well, what the hell.

I'm crying.

Over what?

I stared at my arm for a couple of seconds. The blood stopped flowing, which is good, I guess.

I continued to stare at it when a knock on the door broke my focus. Another check up again? It's only been ten goddamned minutes! The door opened a little and I'm pretty sure is that nurse or fucking doctor go through that with a big-ass syringe, I will fucking strangle them with—

"Hello, Lovi."

Oh hell.

OH. HELL.

"B-brother? Big brother?"

I couldn't believe it. Big brother actually cared enough to visit me? Good god, this must be a miracle. I tried to sit up again but her merely shook his head and sat on the visitor's chair.

"You don't need to stand, brother."

I felt a lump on my throat. It's been years.. Fucking decades since he spoke to me.

"Brother I—I'm sorry if you have to see me this way," I whispered softly, my eyes downcast. I didn't want him to see me like this. I don't want to look weak in his eyes! Right then, I wanted to cry. I was about too, really, but he just stopped me by taking my hand and squeezing it lightly.

"It's going to be alright." I only believed it from him, to be honest. He's probably one of the few people that I actually trust.

"Big brother, why—"

"OI!" My sentence was cut off by an annoying bark. Tch, figures. If my brother was here then _he _has to be here too.

"Herakles, is the brat awake?"

Brat. _Brat?_

"I AM NOT A FUCKING BRAT, YOU ASSHOLE." I growled at him and I was pretty sure that the heart monitor was rampaging by that time.

Herakles only sighed. "Sadik," I heard him say. "Don't be so loud please. You're annoying the patients."

I saw him snort then cross his arms. Wanna know the truth? I wanted to bitch slap him at the moment.

With a table.

Embedded with nails.

Lathered in acid.

"I just wanted to see if the kid's alright, you know." Yeah right. I could feel myself glaring daggers at him but after a few centuries of doing it, it sort of lost its effect. I saw him give me a glance and sighed. "You still haven't forgiven me, kid?"

"First of all, I am _not _a kid! I'm almost two-fucking-thousand years old! And second, why should I?"

"Lovino."

"What?" I turned my head around and saw Herakles giving me a disapproving frown. "Oh don't give me that look, bastard. It won't work."

I'd gladly say that it didn't work.

If only it was the truth.

Oh my god, I'm weak at this.

"Damn you, Herakles." I pouted at him again as I seethed at the Turkish idiot beside him. If ever I tell you that I'm cute when pouting, you better believe it. I am one cute motherfucker and don't you forget that.

I was about to say something intelligent when my door burst open (seriously, people have no respect) only to reveal Veneziano with his posse of moronic dipshits.

"Frateeeeelloooooooooo~!" That sing-song voice gets very irritating, especially when you hear it over and over for the past few centuries. "We've brought you somethiiiiiiiii-"

I saw him stop when he saw Greece and Turkey by my bed. I could probably understand it if Turkey was the only one there. Bitch, he's huge! But Greece was also there so.. Well, it's still surprising.

"Oh, your brother's here fratello." He said it so softly that I almost wanted to hug him. Almost.

"Si." You see, Veneziano's not really fond of my relationship with my biological brother (as am I with his. Tch, stupid French bastard) and usually kept his distance whenever Big brother Greece was near.

"I'll.. I'll just leave this here, fratello." He bit his lip then softly place a little bowl covered with foil on my bedside table and I instantly knew that it was pasta. "Veneziano—" I started but stopped. "Thanks." He nodded and smiled a little before leaving without another word.

o0o

The room felt awkward when Veneziano left. It just felt so tense, you know? Anyway, since big brother was here, I might as well talk to him.

"Oi bastard," I said to Sadik. "Mind if you leave us for a minute?"

Herakles turned to him and the Turkish nation nodded before leaving.

"Going to tell me what's wrong, Lovi?"

I pursed my lip then shook my head. "Not yet."

I wasn't ready. I know it so you don't have to shove it down my throat. "I just wanted to.. spend a few minutes with you, is all."

I saw him smile. Seriously, if he wasn't sleeping all the time, I'm pretty sure that most of the female nations would fawn over him.

He nodded then pulled his chair closer to me bed.

"Alright."

I can definitely say that my day got better because of him.

**This chapter is based of a HC that I saw a few months back that Lovino is the son of Ancient Greece, therefore, Greece's brother. Romano and Veneziano are half-sibs since Romano has Arabic blood and Veneziano has Germanic blood (that's the reason why he calls France "nii-chan" or Big Brother.**

**There's a lot of inaccuracies and I apologize for it.**

**This is pretty crappy because I made this just past midnight so my brain is pretty foggy.**

**All the flames will be used by Canada whenever he'll scare America by burning his capital again. **

**~AVR**


End file.
